unsettled

Sad is the day

that any woman becomes absolutely satisfied

with the life that she is living,

the thoughts she is thinking,

and the things she is doing.

There must be a continual beating at the door of her soul,

a desire to do something larger

which she seeks

and knows she was meant

and intended to do.

- author unknown -

how do you begin to process all the Lord has shown in such a short time? i don't know either :) get a cup of joe 'cause this ain't short.

i feel so honored that you came to this blog, amongst the thousands out there, to join us on this road to rwanda. my sincerest hope is that the world became smaller, that you saw God in the faces, that you learned of the horrendous genocide that killed millions, that you see the need to do more in a hurting world, that you love orphans more than you ever knew you could.

i have been sorting through all the photos and will post them later today into five categories: C.A.L.M. orphanage kids; the genocide memorial, the imbabazi orphanage kids and gardens; the butare hospital project; and just plain ol' amazing scenery.

how many rambling random posts have i done? well, now it is one more :)

the opening quote was just given to me by a good bud, carrie (affectionately known as care bear). i called her thursday morning to babble through my genuine gratitude for making memories with thomas/sarah/phoebe, cleaning the house, and making dinner. as i unloaded/shared all in my heart, i knew she would understand my thoughts better than i could understand them myself. she has had the quote above posted on her refridgerator for years i learned. it summarizes so succintly all i am feeling.

let the rambling begin!

i am a black/white person. i like things in tidy organized 'boxes', figuratively speaking. and my heart has been spilled out all stinking over. God opened so many doors in rwanda i feel like i am in an intricately drawn maze. i need to wait on Him to navigate the open doors, channel us in the right direction, keep us on the right path. the problem is i am impatient. that could be the understatment of the year. i feel such a strong sense of urgency. is that of God or me? God forbid an attitude of complacency. but equally so, God forbid me from making His plans fit mine.

i had never given one thought to rwandans before a year ago (that was when we met jill and jeff rose, leaders of the african health and hospital foundation and organizers of the trip). and now i want another, much longer, trip planned. like now. working in africa requires just a little bit of planning (note to self: and finances) and a lotta bit of the Lord's leading. but just in case He is wondering....we are ready to go back. like get abigail in China and go.

i find the cliches we casually say here in the US like 'less is more' or 'live simply' to be very ironic. for the most part, these phrases to us mean doing without satellite, taking our kids out of a sport, making do with 3 bedrooms instead of 4. they will never have that meaning again after having seen the degree of poverty. i can't really explain it, but they seem unbelievably hollow. maybe the word is arrogant? there is a ginormous difference between living simply and living poverty. maybe it shouldn't irritate me. maybe in time, it won't. maybe i hope it always bring my mind back to thoughts of rwanda.

neither ben nor i can let our minds actually think on the kids or people because it is too painful. when i talk of them, i fall apart. just ask brianne, who just stopped by to pick up some things she had left here, and the tears just flow from a broken heart.

i have told myself repeatedly a quote i tell the boys when they are sad coming off of church camp, "be happy that it happened, not sad that it's over.' i won't tell them that anymore because it doesn't make you feel any better.

when we got into DC, i saw irritated people. i purposely tried smiling at many folks to see the response. almost always, it was a look of 'no time to smile' or 'what's to be happy about?" greg commented, 'i would love to see smiling faces again.'

greg and tim had us in stitches at the airport laughing at the language drama that they guessed i used when i blogged. neither of them had read any of it, but that didn't stop them :) they would take one sentence and make it into a paragraph of flamboyant expressive words. i am laughing now because some things, when i have reread them, have come off dramatic. because my heart was impacted dramatically. was that dramatic? moving right along....

i have a renewed appreciation for bright lights, blow dryers, water, and internet service.

God orchestrated sam and simba's farewell. now that really was dramatic. but if i ever need drama, it is now :) simba was supposed to pick our luggage up at 8 to take to the airport for us while the other driver, jean marie, would get us to the airport after letting us get in 30-minutes of our only souvenir shopping the entire trip. miscommunication led to simba not coming and the realization that jean marie would have to give sam's Bible to simba instead of sam himself. but GOD knew better! simba had to find us at a bank parking lot to drop off someone else who needed a ride to the airport. when they saw each other, they went straight into each other's arms. simba held the Bible out and said 'i am ready for this now.' ahhh. does it get any better?

actually, it does. a rwandan lady we saw at the kigali airport and then again in DC (another God divine appointment where we spent a 2-hour lunch with her and have been invited to stay at her home next trip) told us that many men, who lost their family in the genocide, have never married because of the intense heartache they felt/feel. they will not open their hearts again. sam cracked simba's open. i believe simba felt a love toward sam that he has not felt for many years. sam knows that if this was the only thing that comes of our trip that it was worth every penny. he accomplished the mission God set before him. sorry for the drama. not really :) oh, and the lady from the airport: she's requested simba's contact information as she wants the men at her church to befriend him and ask invite him to come.

if you think of it, we ask that you continue to pray about esther and the others. as i have indicated earlier, we have put this into God's hands and are seeking clear and specific direction. like duh, i know. i have to focus on His will for esther and not my mama's heart that wants her here. it has been suggested that we initially talk with a leader from saddleback church in california. rick warren, author of 'a purpose-driven life', leads (out of this church) an organization called PEACE which serves in rwanda. greg and tim met with this group while there and left so, so encouraged and filled. this gentleman will hopefully have the insight and connections to know what, if any, the next steps should be. and interestingly, greg has had a meeting scheduled in california to meet with a health system for the last week of march. in rwanda, the saddleback church/PEACE team asked that greg meet with them, and join them at church, while he is in california. we are praying that, if this man (he leads an initiative at the church called 'generous giving" :) is in the states, he will meet with greg to chat about our situation. i have no idea if this made any sense to anyone other than me. how about just 'please pray for esther' :)

and the last thing that i put out there is for the moms. i suspect that there is at least someone out there who can relate to what i will attempt to share -- God gives different burdens to different people, right? what i am trying to come to terms with is whether it is okay, as a mom to several, if i can have contentment and peace if a good chunk of my heart desires things that are outside the home? although the majority of my time, energy, and love is for those within these walls, there is a significant part of me that can never be limited to it. reinsert drama. i sometimes wonder what draws me to the down and out? i know for a fact that it was only by God's grace, through the many years i never thought of Him, that i am neither down, nor out, at this very moment. maybe all those years of living apart from Him has made me realize how brief my time is to serve Him -- which for me means takes the form of widows, orphans, and the poor. this journey has brought all this to the forefront of my heart and mind. i consistently seek tangible, ongoing ways to serve, but a sizable piece of me yearns for something BIG. is that wrong? sometimes i wish i could just not want to serve more outside of my family. thankfully, greg understands and even has the same heart himself. does that ring true in you?

xoxoxo :)